Me

Who am I?

I am a woman who grew up loving all living things.

I spent my childhood on the farm, running in the fields, and wading in the creeks, and caring for all kinds of animals.

I have had anxiety since I was about 6 years old, but I didn’t know it until about a week ago.

I am a wife to my wonderful husband, who is medication resistant bipolar, and also suffers from anxiety and depression.

I am the breadwinner.

I am a mom to our little papillon mix,

Lexy, who turns one on October 22.

I love the sky, I love the stars and moon. The clouds are so ethereal to me.

I love growing plants.

I Love the mountains.

I am INFP.

I suffer from depression and anxiety.

I love sci fi and fantasy.

I have been an avid reader since kindergarten.

I want to write fiction.

I have an Etsy shop to sell my jewelry creations.

I work in customer service.

I just started growing bonsai trees.

I punish myself too much.

I am an hsp.

I love history.

I have traveled to many countries in my teens.

This is just a small part of who I am.

I am writing to help myself, to figure out how to feel better, and chronicle my thoughts and feelings.

Advertisements

Art journal: day 1

I have been having a tough time writing lately, and I don’t speak my true feelings, so my therapist said maybe I should try art journaling. Yesterday I did my first entry: tired.

Basically I feel guilty when saying how I really feel, because it may not put others in the best light. So I guess I try to have positive energy, but inside it’s really not that positive. It’s draining to keep all of that inside.

Motivation

I have felt like absolute crap the past few days physically in addition to mentally.

I don’t want to eat (this is unheard of for me) I have been running a temperature each afternoon progressively getting worse til bedtime. I have been achey and just felt bad in general.

I have been sleeping excessively into the day and tossing and turning at night.

This morning I got on the scale and am happy to see that since my heaviest weight of 219 I have gotten down to 212. Since last Monday. 😮

This is so motivating.

If nothing else at least I making progress on weight loss by doing absolutely nothing. This is due to my new medicine Wellbutrin. I never want to eat so I’m eating less than usual. Just eating less has caused me to lose this much weight: 7 lbs in just 9 days.

When I met my husband over 8 years ago, I was under eating. I weighed about 100 lbs at 5 foot 6 1/2 inches. Maybe I even had an eating disorder. He insisted that I start eating more. In the past 3 years that went from eating the right amount, to emotional eating. Not to mention my desk job for the past 6 years, and the stress that place has caused me. I had to overeat just to get through the day. My weight peaked at 219 last Monday at my doctor visit.

That day was the day I decided I can’t work, can’t function, so I need time at home.

Now that I have lost so much weight in a short period of time, I feel like I need to reform my diet, and get on the exercise bike, and work on yoga. I even rented a yoga for beginners DVD from the library. I want to optimize this forward progress so that I can reach my weight goal of 150. I think if I work on that goal it will help my depression naturally improve.

Maybe this new med is my miracle drug. I hope so! I hope this motivation stays strong!

Aspirations of my depressed self

Depression has stolen from me my energy, confidence, happiness, sense of wonder, motivation, interest in things that I love, and many other things.

I want to chip away at the stone walls holding my true self hostage.

I wanted to write down my aspirations, or goals for the future.

1. Travel

9 years ago I was a world traveler, readying for an archaeological dig in Israel. That was probably the best trip of my life. Before that, I went to Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Estonia, Germany, Russia, England, Nova Scotia, Greenland, Iceland, and the Netherlands with my grandmother. I loved traveling. I keep trying to convince my husband to travel with me one day.

2. Write

I have always wanted to be a writer. My imagination runs totally wild, my dreams are full of fantastical realities. One day I want to write a fantasy book or series and get published.

3. Become a mom

My husband and I have wanted children since we have been together. We met over 8 years ago. I thought we would have a child by now. I suppose it’s a good thing it has not happened yet due to mental health and financial issues. I am almost 28 and he is 32. I just hope we can have a child before I turn 30.

4. Become a photographer

I love taking pictures. It would be so amazing to send pictures to National Geographic, or some other large publication.

5. Live on a farm, and open an animal shelter

I have dreamed since I was a child, of saving animals. I wish I could save every one that I find. I want to have open spaces for them to run around and warm beds for them to sleep.

6. Run my own business

I want to have my own successful business probably making jewelry, and other things, like I do now in my Etsy shop.

7. Garden

I want to have amazing and beautiful gardens one day. I want to have one for growing food, some for beauty, and also I hope one day I will hone my skills with bonsai and have many beautiful bonsai to decorate our home.

These goals are for long term. None of these are going to be fast to achieve.

I have some short term goals as well:

1. Keep my home cleaner (do dishes regularly)

2. Meditate daily

3. Exercise daily

4. Eat healthier

5. Go back to work ready to succeed at my job so that I can move on to another position.

6. Regain my energy

7. Maintain proper self care daily.

8. Get our finances stable.

9. Get the depression manageable so I can live a more normal life.

10. Continue to work with container plants indoors throughout the winter.

My side of the mountain: A childhood dream

When I was growing up I loved to read. I still do.

There was one book that I wished would be my life: My side of the mountain.

A boy with a large busy family, decides to run away from home, in New York City, to his grandfathers land in the Catskills. He essentially makes a home in a hollowed out tree. He lives off the land, and trains a baby falcon to be his companion and hunter to catch food for him. He becomes friends with different animals, and rarely meets any other people. He does find that he misses people to an extent, but also craves the solitude of the life he has created.

One time when I was about 9 I had my backpack packed with the most important things: 2 of my family’s cats. If I could have taken more cats I would have. I walked across the farm, but I did come back. I think I just wanted to go live in the woods. Even at that young age my introvert tendencies were obvious.

At times I still wish My husband and I could live off the grid. I would love to have a lot of land, in the country, with a cabin. It would be awesome to have solar power. That would be ideal. It would suit my introverted nature, my connection to nature, and highly sensitive personality. We could have gardens for all of our vegetables, and maybe buy meat from local farmers, to deep freeze. I know we would still have to shop at the store, but I want to be as self sufficient as possible.

I truly wish that one day we could live that dream, and that I could spend most of my time in the forests and fields, letting the energies of the natural world keep me balanced and happy.

For the time being I have to keep working at my office job (once my doctor approves me to go back to work) and keep living this life in a box. I truly hope one day I can make enough money from either writing, or my Etsy store, to work towards making that dream a reality.

You win some, you lose some.

Today has definitely had its wins and losses. I’ll start with the wins!

We woke up at about 7:30 this morning, which is a lot better than the last few days.

We had biscuits and coffee, a good way to start the day.

We exercised for about half an hour today.

We collected pecans in the backyard, and my husband spotted a tiny boxwood plant that was growing under the pecan tree. This was very serendipitous as none of my attempts at cloning our existing boxwood plants outside have worked. I was very excited and planted it in my beautiful teal ceramic planter. I have read boxwood make good bonsai.

We then also planted more seeds, since most of my herb plants have died because I haven’t been taking care of them. 😞

I also am trying to grow some apple seeds to make an apple bonsai.

We also listened to some old country music, and sang to every song. Which is pretty significant since we’ve been together over 8 years and the first time he let me hear him sing was about 2 weeks ago. Now we spend some of our best times singing together.

All in all today was better than it’s been in a while.

Now for the losses:

I started feeling down and anxious at dinner time. I feel like my dishes are starting to pile up again. I also am still struggling with activities of daily living and self care.

I thought about work, that definitely makes me feel really anxious. I know I don’t have to go for a few weeks, but eventually I will have to go.

Depression can make you have random bad thoughts. Sometimes I just feel so down on myself. After seeing my husband struggle with self harm for a few years and experiencing thoughts myself I can truly see it’s not myself or himself, causing these feelings. It’s the depression. I don’t actually want to hurt myself, but my brain just thinks these thoughts. So I just do what I can to push the thoughts away.

I am stronger than these thoughts. I have struggled with them on and off since early teenage years, maybe even younger.

It’s kind of hard to realize what I thought was just part of my personality, was a mental illness this whole time. It’s quite a shock to the system.

Not going to work has isolated me from my dear friends that I work with. This has been about hard in some ways. But it’s a bit of a relief to not have to try to pretend I’m ok around them.

Today is done, and I hope for some more progress tomorrow.

Why starry skies and open spaces?

Today I want to share The reason I chose this name for my blog.

I always marvel at the night sky. I love the stars, the moon, and finding the constellations. It brings me some kind of higher awareness of the universe. It gives me this breathless wonder and awe.

I grew up on a small farm, we had about 50 acres. We had fields, hills, woods, and creeks. There was open space all around and not many neighbors. Having that open space was calming.

As an adult I lived mostly in neighborhoods and apartments. This has been detrimental to my mental health. Luckily now I live in a house about 10 miles from the blue ridge mountains, and close to the peaks of otter. There is lots of open space, farms with cows ❤️, and mountain views all around.

The sad part is I still don’t get outside much. Work had me working 9.5 hours 4 days a week and then 4 hours on Friday which was nice, but I was always so exhausted.

One big goal during this time is to get outside more. We may go hike the peaks of otter, maybe sharp top if we feel up to it.

I have been collecting pecans from our tree in the backyard, and that has been fun. I hope to get outside a lot more now.